Slither and why I love James Gunn's horror masterpiece

Watching it again for the 12th time or so since buying the DVD, I looked back fondly at all the reasons why this film works, even though people try to compare it to others. I don't agree with their assumptions, putting this film on a pedestal of fantastic horror films in the last 10 years. Here's a list of sorts as to why I lovethis film.

1) I love having films that I saw in theaters that many others hadn't but then champion on DVD. That's how I was when I saw The Mist on DVD, even though I still haven't met anyone who saw it in theaters. But when I saw Slither in theaters, I was shocked at how refreshing it was that a film had the guts (literally) to show comedy and violence without blinking an eye. Gore and comedy is a hard dual edged sword. Don't get me wrong, I laugh at gore filled romps on film, but they usually intended a more horrific tone. So I've been spreading the Slither love for years now.

2) James Gunn, writer/director extraordinaire. He's one of those Hollywood types that I hope I'm more aligned in becoming. Funny and foul mouthed, a clever writer who jumped from the fun bowels of Troma with what many refer to as Troma's masterpiece Tromeo and Juliet, he went to writing gigs with the Scooby Doo films* and then wrote the better than it should have been remake of Dawn of the Dead**, he also helped with the films Lollilove and wrote the 'better than Mystery Men' superhero comedy The Specials. I was excited when I had heard about Slither, even though people compared it to Night of the Creeps***. It's more than that, a film on a different level. So when I saw it and the uninhibited directing style of Mr. Gunn with that 80's sensibility but in a recent setting. Plus he's a hell of a nice guy who everyone that works with him wants to work with again, as everyone will see with his short episodes called James Gunn's PG Porn and the XBOX Live exclusive film called Humanzee. He'll be in the business for a very long time if there's any justice in Hollywood.

3) Nathan Fillion or as everyone likes to call him, Bill 'I'm a fucking asshole' Pardy. An understated actor who just oozes that 'It' factor that most actors wish they could. I really can't explain what it is, but with his everyman good looks and that slight dumb-founded look he sometimes gives, it's just something that always makes me look forward to seeing what he's in next. Of course everyone knows him from his iconic role on Firefly and Serenity of Captain Malcolm 'Mal' Reynolds, he used that and gained that cult status already early on to help propel him into other roles, such as his co-starring role alongside Keri Russell in Waitress. Recently his work on the online sensation of Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog got a lot of press (even though it was all about Neil Patrick Harris), but he played the perfect asshole superhero where you actual root for the villain. Okay, enough of my bowing down to Mr. Fillion, there's others I need to cheer.

4) Elizabeth Banks who is probably one of the comedic actresses consistently great in every role I see her in. An old time actress look, Hitchcockian blonde actually, she's on the rise in Hollywood, co-starring again with Seth Rogen in the new Kevin Smith film Zack and Miri Make a Porno and the highly controversial new Oliver Stone film W. as Laura Bush, she started very small, in supporting roles but always knew how to get noticed on screen. When I saw her in The 40 Year Old Virgin, her role only has a total of maybe 12 lines in 2 hour and 17 minute movie, but yet she makes the most of it and I remember she made the audience gasp, especially with that very un-sexual masturbation scene at the end of the film. She's also been in all 3 Spiderman films, but people don't realize it because her role is very minimal yet important in the whole Spidey mythos as the character of Betty Brant. So her being in Slither was big to me because I knew she could be funny yet could act as well, and people need to give her credit for acting very emotionally to a huge pulsating monster that is hideous, yet you believe that she's trying to seduce the monster so they could get the upper hand. So she's another one in the line of favorite actors in this film that I always look forward to seeing in future films. And I don't mind being down on my knees for a woman who doesn't mind getting dirty in a film and has that slapstick mentality that is starting to slowly make a comeback.

5) Gregg Henry. We all know who he is, but we forget his name. I know his name because I'm the type that knows trivia like that and plus he's one of my favorite character actors working today. He's recently been in the great Eddie Izzard/ Minnie Driver television series The Riches**** and as usual plays 'sleaze personified' as I like to coin the term. I remember when I first notice him in the greatly under-appreciated Payback but has gotten a new lease in life recently when it was allowed to finally get the director's cut. He plays the mayor in Slither and as usual steals every scene in which he's in, just dirtying up the screen with his patented style of sleaze he's famous for, especially right in the beginning when he's introduced to the audience by cursing out this driver in front of him in front of a mother and son in town. And the way he just begs to be killed by Bill Pardy and Bill just shoots him without a second look shows how much this guy was hated in his own town.

6) The Rook. Michael Rooker, probably one guy who always dominates the screen, no matter the film he's in. In this he plays the pleasantly named Grant Grant. An oafish guy who you can tell means well, the older man who found his trophy wife in Elizabeth Banks' Starla, he's the one who starts the whole slithering mess. Meat is the word of choice and his whole acting within a shell of a beast with a bit of humanity left inside is fearless in its insanity. Most other actors wouldn't necessarily take this role seriously but Michael Rooker actually just infuses his own self in this character and balances the line of comedy and horror that you forget why you are laughing in the first place. You are truly creeped out by him yet you feel truly bad for him throughout the film, especially by his personification of the alien and giving it the first time it's fallen in love because it's been by itself for billions of years. Just a brilliant portrayal that's been ruined in other films before. And there's nothing scarier than The Rook when he has a cleanly shaved head.

7) Air Supply's Every Woman in the World, which is the love song of choice for Grant and Starla. A creepy song which seems more along the lines of stalker (Every Breath You Take anyone?). Yet it works because it takes a whole other meaning within the film, especially with Grant's alien monster finally realizing what love is with this one woman. Never thought I'd get misty eyed with an Air Supply song. Thanks a lot James Gunn. Now I have to shoot myself in the skull. But first I'll watch the DVD one more time with commentary on.

8) MastersFX, their work on this particular film was pretty much the key to making it a believable alien monster film. Working 5 months in advance, which is quite normal in the special effects field, they do the proper mixing of practical effects and digital effects, melding the two where you're not always sure if it's actually filmed on the set or if it was done on a computer, and that's the best way to do it in today's film making. Try to check their resume on their website at www.mastersfx.com.

9) The DVD set alone makes it a worthwhile cause to rewatch the film as many times I have so far. The extras are plentiful, especially with all the ribs against Nathan Fillion and their undying hatred for him. The commentary is one of the better ones, which is with James Gunn and Nathan Fillion, a very fulfilling and funny commentary track. I appreciate a good commentary track that makes rewatching the film worthwhile and not a chore. It's very honest to the point of him not liking the CGI in certain scenes. I really like that he doesn't hold any punches back and still has a laugh at his own expense.

9 reasons? Usually when you do a list there's always a 10th reason, a Top 10 if you will. But I try not to play by the rules of society and/or David Lettermen, so I'll end it at 9. Which is a whole mess load of reasons as it is. I love this film to death and love to spread the love to everyone I can. More people need to list this film as an essential film in horror. In today's film world, usually the best horror films come from the indies and other countries, so this film coming from a major studio was a breath of fresh air. But yet again, was it pushed enough? Usually a horror film opening in March wouldn't do well, and in this case it was true. But DVD is the new medium to get a wider audience.

* I've never held it against him.

** An effective remake which re-imagined one of my favorite horror films of all time and actually made it its own movie. Kudos to that.

*** It was actually more in line with Cronenberg's line of films dealing with the battle from within, the body's own monsters, like in Shivers, Rabid and The Fly.

**** I don't have cable anymore, but check it out on FX. I still need to pick up the first season set on DVD.

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Fantastic Fest = I wish I could go there

Fantastic Fest has an offer right now up until this Monday night, I believe, to check out 10 different films, a few features and a few shorts and then vote on them to see which one wins and gets the glory of being a grand horror film.

Everyone should go especially since it's free. You just need to register with them in order to watch the films. I'm in the middle of watching the short film Treevenge which is all about a world where the Christmas trees are sick of being cut down and start getting revenge on their destroyers. Made by the guys who are making one of the films I can't wait for, Hobo With a Shotgun.

Go check it out, you won't be disappointed.

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I must have been lying under a rock

I didn't hear anything about this supposed animal that washed ashore in Montauk at the end of July. I'm always wary of these things. Remember the zombie dog from a few years back? That thing freaked the hell out of me but of course I knew better and said to myself, "If the government was developing zombie warfare, we wouldn't know until they let it out of the bag or it became some sort of Captain Trips epidemic."

I say weird things to myself a lot.

But is this thing real? People say it's a turtle without its shell. Or a dog who's been seriously fucked up beyond belief. Or even some sort of chupacabra. I'm always betting on the Jersey Devil or Sasquatch's retarded younger brother. Now that guy's ugly.

Almost signed up to write reviews for a porn site, but the only problem is that you need to buy the first one in order to keep the dvds coming from then on. Hmm, even though it is a legit site, they can choose to believe that my sarcastic writing style isn't titillating enough for their one handed readers and then I'm out 15 bucks with Backyard Bongo Babes Vol. 17: This Time It's Anal!

I have two ides for comic books. I just need an artist. So therefore they're going nowhere.

Woohoo!

EDIT: I know exactly what this monster is!

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You already know I'll be published

Finally, right? But I'm also in the middle of writing a few scripts, a few other articles (which are taking painstakingly long to do due to the fact I'm researching them hardcore), attempting to procure interviews with a few big names in genre film and the book world and trying to get my website Combinations Follow up and running.

Does anyone know any good website designers who do work for peanut butter sammiches. I make a mean one.

Work has drained me again from writing though, as well as our internet provider being under the influence and kicking myself and my girlfriend off repeatedly. Not sure why it keeps doing it, considering I bought a new router which deals with problems like the one we keep having. And attempting to call Time Warner, Linksys and Apple in one day can drive anyone insane, especially Danyell. I saw daggers coming forth from her eyes.

It was a scary sight. One which I'd love to show on screen (and not like Judge Doom's dagger eyes in Who Framed Roger Rabbit... which was brilliant and scared the hell out of me when I was a child.)

I'm going to watch some Robocop action right now, get the creative juices going.

"Can you fly, Bobby?"

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Rewatching The Matrix films, I've come to the conclusion...

And not getting much out of them like I did when they initially came out. Actually, strike that, I only got most of the good joy out of the first film, with the second film being a huge disappointment when I had seen it in theaters with my girlfriend. So much so that we didn't see the third film in theaters when it came out a few months later, instead waiting for the DVD release. Which I remembered liking more than the second.

But that's mainly because Neo dies.

It had me thinking, why didn't I love these flicks? What is keeping me from that feeling I had once? Did I become a bigger snob since they came out? No, it c couldn't be. I still love films like Crank and Bad Boys II and any other action film that can get me to still let out a proverbial 'ooooh', such as some parts of the Transporter films. That probably has to do with the oozing 70's era charisma of Jason Statham. But I'm vying away from the topic at hand, the Wachowski Bros. (well, now the Wachowskis, ever since that surgery occured) film series.

I realized that it all boils down to the wooden portrayal of Neo by Mr. Keanu Reeves. Don't get me wrong, I like Keanu. No matter how much my brain makes me want to hate him, I tend to like most of his films. Even being a comic book nerd and hating that they cast him as John Constantine, I still went in with a clear mind and actually enjoyed the film somehow. But that could also be because of the supporting cast, who are all spot on, especially Peter Stormare, but he tends to steal any show he's in. Just look at the Volkswagen ads he's been in.

Same goes for Carrie Anne Moss. I liked her in Memento and Fido, so it couldn't be only her. But then it hit me like a pick up truck. Their romance is non-existent, yet they center the whole universe, the whole being of Neo around their love throughout the films. The reason the first film works better than the rest is because it ends before their love can be truly shown. It's hinted at, we see a kiss, but that's it. Nothing more. The sequels try too hard to be philosophical, too hard with the action scenes (and I love the stunt work within each film, but when mixed with dated cgi in some parts, it fails to impress today).

That sex scene in Reloaded? Ugh, talk about no sexuality. No chemical attraction there. My girlfriend, when initially watching the film and walking her to her train, said something along the lines of, "They're supposed to be in love? Then why don't I believe it?"

And film dictates to us what we should believe in when seen on the screen. But only when it's believable. I believed that there were dwarves, hobbits and elves fighting side by side in the Lord of the Ring films. Why is that? Because the world of Tolkien was somehow breathed to life by Peter Jackson, a worthy director who has a sense of reality, even when something fantastic is show on screen. Same goes for Guillermo Del Toro, a favorite of CHUD and many other like minded fans of film. He can somehow take a faun and mix it with the spanish civil war and bring both worlds to reality, a mixture of fairy tale and nightmare. There really is no equal in that department and if there is, maybe I've missed out big time. Cronenberg also molds a scene, a film on screen and even when a man is slowly turning into a human fly or an apartment complex has gone completely crazy and murderous, we believe.

And the Wachowskis fail in that department. They wrote a fine first film. A stand alone film that even when they came out, I felt like they had tacked on backstory and other characters to flesh out a story that really only needed 2 hours to tell. We didn't need to see Zion. Or the other ships in the human armada. Or the battles underground. Or the architect and the key maker. I'll even say we didn't have to see Monica Belucci (but I won't say that, any film that features her must be seen).

We just needed to believe in a hacker who was the chosen one by Morpheus, who made the moviegoing public believe that he could stop bullets and actually destroy the unstoppable agents. I'm not sure if it was intended, but from the overall trilogy, I still look at it as Agent Smith's story. His triumphant rise and fall, rise again to complete god like power and ultimately his fall from grace by a higher power he didn't know could take him down. But only by a martyr was his power taken away. Looking at the films in that light makes me enjoy them a bit more. And that's because Hugo Weaving could be doing pantomime while tap dancing and I'd still think it was brilliant.

The Matrix sequels just feel like they were made to make money. And I agree, Hollywood is in the business of making money. Why make movies then? For only the artistic value? Then movies wouldn't be made at all. I just feel that the Wachowskis could have instead taken their vision and put it toward something so much better.*

*And I actually liked Speed Racer.

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Hard Case Crime's Songs of Innocence

Once in awhile a company comes along that impresses me with their whole catalog of products. It's usually a DVD company. To be honest, I'm a film fanatic so I tend to watch as many films as possible, different genres from different eras and I look for the large companies and the up and coming to get my fair share from. One of my favorite genres of film are film noir. Old or new, I love it when someone can give me a private eye who punches first and asks questions later. So it is in this regard that the company I'm speaking about isn't a DVD company. It's Hard Case Crime, who deal with crime novels that people like Dashiell Hammet, Richard Stark and Mickey Spillane would write for... actually, one of which does have books published with them (it's the second under his real name Donald E. Westlake).

Why bring this fine company up? Well, they had sent me three books to review awhile ago and I read through one in a matter of 2 days. The second book I read through in about 3 days. The third I haven't had the time to read due to work overwhelming my life, battling a rat the size of my Irish head and trying to still move in my apartment 10 months after I signed the lease. I will be reviewing two of their books here in the next two days, the first being Songs of Innocence written by Richard Aleas (pen name of Hard Case Crime founder Charles Ardai) with cover art by Glen Orbik and The MAX written by Ken Bruen and Jason Starr with cover art by Glen Orbik again.

In Songs of Innocence (released last July), it is the second book starring Aleas' character John Blake. Not having read the first novel starring him (2004's Little Girl Lost), it didn't take long to learn about this deeply scarred former PI. You already see the pieces in his life that are shattered; a lover who was killed by his last assignment and a good friend almost lost as well. He's now taken a low key position as an administrative assistant at Columbia University. He's also using this position to take a creative writing class to better hone his skills. This is where he meets Dorothy Burke, a beautiful younger dame (sorry, getting in the mindset of some pulp fiction), who he has a connection with. The only problem is that the story starts off with the police finding her dead in her bathtub, with the book Final Exit sitting right beside her, a plastic bag over her head and of course ruling it a suicide. Her mother thinks otherwise and wants to acquire John's detective persona to take the case and find out who killed her daughter. He tells her he isn't in that business anymore and tells the friend who almost died to take the case instead. But the problem is that he's mounting his own investigation to find out who killed Dorothy.

What Charles Ardai has done is take a simple premise of the lover/friend being found in a messy situation, and instead of taking the easy way out and calling it the way it looks, takes the character and the reader into an adventure around the sights and sounds not commonly seen in New York City. It's the violent NYC underworld we as the reader wants to hear about. We can't help it, it's something about stories, be it in print or on the screen that intrigues us. That tickles are fancy into wondering what happens next, no matter what time of day it is. I have to admit that while reading this story, I sometimes couldn't put the book down. I was like an addict, and sadly a book in the fiction section hasn't done that to me in quite some time.

Dorothy has confided in John her life as a prostitute named Cassandra, a call girl in the world of secret bath houses and happy endings that accompany them. So of course he tries to track down a list of johns, maybe one of which was a bit too 'hands on' and snuffed out the life of his friend. It leads him into many fights, call girls with hearts of gold but ice water running through their veins, the Hungarian mob being provoked by Blake and then being retaliated against by pinning a dead body on him, twist and turns, jumps between 60 foot crevices on the rooftops of buildings, cops getting closer to him, a manhunt for Blake, a estranged father Dorothy rarely talked about, a friend who betrays him and so much more. I don't want to ruin the story, which is why I'm being very aloof in what I speak about. But what Ardai is doing here is taking a old pulp story, one that would be written for the fans, and taking it to the new century, infusing new life in a genre that most people don't give too much credit to.

I'd like to point out that Ardai has said that his first Hard Case Crime novel, Little Girl Lost, took him only 2 or so months to write. It then took him roughly 3 years to finish Songs of Innocence, which doest surprise me. The character of John Blake is a difficult one to write about. A wounded man, one that doesn't look at himself the way he used to, slumming around and wishing he was somebody else. It's a hard book to write and to make the character likable, especially when he's being a real dick to people he loves is even harder, but Ardai does it here. A quick read that you just want to go back and read a few more times to find the little hints at the stunning conclusion that you have to read to believe. Plus the book is less than 7 bucks, so it won't hurt your pocket much. Give it a chance, especially since the book has been optioned for a film, so as soon as I hear more about it, I'll keep you posted.

Part two comes tomorrow night.

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I miss Michael Keaton

With the release of the new Batman flick The Dark Knight in about 24 hours (trust me, I'll be there at 12:01 a.m.), I brought out my Batman DVD collection and was watching bits and pieces of each one. Then I decided to throw on Tim Burton's Batman, and watching Michael Keaton made me realize that I miss the guy a lot.

I really do. He was always that awkward yet charming individual who women liked and men wanted to hang out and have a beer with. But what went wrong? Where has he been? It's not as if he hasn't worked recently. He's actually been in some movies, one of which did pretty decently at the box office.

Where to begin though? I guess the best place, as usual, is the beginning. Not when he was doing bit parts on sitcoms and one line readings in films. I'm speaking about his comedic beginning. So the best place to begin would be his star turn in Night Shift.

The year was 1982, I was a spry 2 years old and don't remember much besides zweibeck cookies and apple juice cocktails. But I know when the years passed and I finally got to see this film, I appreciated what kind of comedy it was. A swinger comedy starring the Fonz and Keaton, directed by Richie Cunningham? A funny foray in the overnight mortuary business and to make ends meet they throw together their very own brothel and hilarity ensues. And with Keaton's Billy Blazejowski, the laughs come at rapid fire. A film that desperately needs a special edition.

He followed it up with the feel good comedy Mr. Mom, another comedy where hilarity ensues once the wife goes to work and dad is left home to fend for himself. A film written by John Hughes, it's not a great film, but proved Keaton's star power and showed he could do a straight laced comedy.

He then jumped onto the 1930's era comedy Johnny Dangerously. You can't get better than the comedy duo of Michael Keaton and Joe Piscopo. And I'm not even being sarcastic there. Not only was it one of the first films with a PG-13 rating (Ahhh, Spielberg always innovating), but had some heart to it. If you don't know what it was about, he played a good natured man who needs to work in a life of crime to pay for his mom's expensive medical bills. A good mafia satire, not many people remember this film when I mention it to them. Maybe I need to speak to people who know movies a little bit more. Joe Piscopo, like in Dead Heat, steals every scene chewing line.

Then came another Ron Howard film, Gung Ho. I remember my dad hating the film for some reason, so I put off from watching it because I trusted my dad's opinion. But then one day I caught it on HBO and sat down and watched it. And liked it quite a bit. A film delving into the whole Japanese work ethic and American laziness, I liked the dichotomy Howard brought to the movie and Keaton again brought a comedic flare to a film with some deep issues that people were going through in the 1980's. It's a film that my friend who is now a business professor uses as a template of what could happen.

His next star making turn was his first foray into Tim Burton's mind, Beetlejuice. It's a film I've watched hundreds of times and still find it hysterical. He's so over the top and you could tell he's loving every minute of it. Great cheesy stop motion special effects, a young and hot Winona Ryder, a young and 'still can't believe it's him' Alec Baldwin, 1940's would be pinup Geena Davis (a future installment in I Miss series), a pre-child pornography and 200 pounds lighter Jeffrey Jones. It just works on all accounts. A twisted children's movie with enough sexuality that parents didn't mind bringing their kids to see it. But then again, did many of them get the film at all?

In the same year of 1988, he went dramatic and did Clean and Sober, showing he had the guts to play a coke addict and alcoholic who had no cares in the world until he meets a woman (the great Kathy Baker) and wants to help her and ultimately falls for her. Morgan Freeman as the drug counselor puts in some great work as well. I notice a trend with Michael Keaton movies. A lot of them get lumped in between great iconic roles he's done, so people forget about the little gems he produced here and there.

He went right back to comedy with The Dream Team. A fun 'fish out of water' comedy about a group of guys who are in a sanitarium (led by Keaton with great comic performances from Christopher Lloyd and Peter Boyle) and find themselves lost in New York and framed for murder. One of those feel good about my home town movies. But hell, NYC at that time was full of psychos, pimps and murderers. Well, more so then now. They know how to hide it better.

Of course in the year of 1989, Bob Kane's supposed* bouncing baby boy was finally made into a true to life big budget summer film. Batman was unleashed to all of us comic book nerds and we fell in love with it the moment we laid eyes on it. But the road there wasn't too easy. The same comic book fans who cheered for this darker take on the Dark Knight were earlier ripping apart the notion that 'the guy who played Beetlejuice' was to play Bruce Wayne. Michael Keaton felt the pressure and proved them wrong with a good portrayl of the dual identity. Even though I always thought he was a better Batman and a half way decent Bruce Wayne. I always felt he was a bit too awkward in the millionaire role. Tim Burton brought his own quirkyness and made the film his own. Jack Nicholson was a good Joker, a ultra violent Cesar Romero protege, which isn't a knock on the performance. I'm a fan of the original series, no matter how many Bams, Biffs and Pows there were. A fun romp was this version of Batman, but we all knew there could be more. Someday.

A duo of subpar films came next (Pacific Heights and One Good Cop) which are more or less delegated for a late night cable watching, but nothing more. We all knew we were waiting for the next installment of the Batman franchise. Batman Returns came to theaters in the summer of 1992. Myself being a more spry 12 year old, I rushed to the theater to see Keaton again play the caped crusader. When I left the theater, I don't know how I felt. I liked it like a lot of people did, but how long was Batman even in the film? 30 minutes? That's how it felt. I still wonder if anyone ever took a tally on how much screen time the hero has in that film. You could also tell Tim Burton had much more of a stranglehold on the story, with some good (Catwoman/ her suit/ Michelle Pfeiffer in general) and some mediocre (Danny Devito wasn't bad, but this freakish penguin monster of a man? Eh, not a fan of that. Or of the Penguin in general). But still, an enjoyable mess of a film, with Christopher Walken's worst hair style in the history of filmdom. And that's including Joe Dirt.

I think I was one of only 7 people in the world who saw My Life in theaters. And I wish it was 6 people, because that was a bad film. A young Nicole Kidman looking less like the infamous Cat Lady and more like the beautiful irish lass we all loved at one point. But he bounced back with another Ron Howard helmed film, The Paper. I really enjoyed that film. A great script. A really great cast (I can't help but love all films with Robert Duvall**). And some tight direction. A film that I didn't think I'd actually keep watching 15 years later, but Keaton always surprises.

Next he made a cute film called Speechless. He paired once again with his Beetlejuice costar Geena Davis and it was the matchup of a lifetime. I speak about Batman vs. Superman, Keaton vs. Reeve. As a kid, I think I was the only 14 year old who made that connection when seeing that film in theaters. I was a bored kid, can't you tell? We then go into Harold Ramis trying to regain his comedy bug with the sci fi comedic yarn Multiplicity. I watched it.

Once.

That is all.

His next 3 films were not only enjoyable, but two of which I still cherish today. Jackie Brown, Desperate Measures and Out of Sight. Jackie Brown and Out of Sight he played the same great character of Ray Nicolette, a great little twist to both films. Both done by directors I still love today (Tarantino and Soderbergh). I still say Jackie Brown is Tarantino's red headed stepson when they promote any new movie by him. They always pan over that film and I still don't know why. It was a progression in his repertoire, like Death Proof, so maybe people didn't get it. I always forget that the mass movie public aren't too bright. And Out of Sight was the first time I saw George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez as stars in the making. Only one deserves it still.

But what happened after those two great character pieces by Keaton? He did a family film with a badly CGI snowman (Jack Frost), a decent sports movie (A Shot at Glory), a terrible straight to DVD action film (Quicksand), some shit I'll never watch (First Daughter and Herbie: Fully Loaded), a crappy horror film (White Noise), a decent but little seen dark comedy (Game 6) and Pixar's second worst film*** (Cars).

Where did he go? What can he do to bring back the glory of his once shining career? A lot of people (myself included) say that after Batman, he hit a snag in his career. He still had a few choice and brilliant roles, but he wasn't matching box office gold like he once was, so the starring roles got to be fewer and far between. Hollywood is sometimes a bitch, and he's felt the wrath. But I have more faith in him to bring the goods again. He just needs a little resurgence. A role that only he could play.

Any great filmmakers out there need a good character actor? Hey Ron Howard and Tim Burton... you worked with the guy multiple times. Bring him back to greatness. Come to think about it, what great movies have you guys done in the last 10 years? Hmm, on second thought Michael, find some new fresh blood. A director who will appreciate you and a script that will give you back your groove.****


*Bill Finger: RIP

** Well, not every film. Kicking and Screaming comes to mind. Ewww.

*** A Bug's Life being my least favorite.

**** Unlike Stella.

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I miss Eddie Murphy

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. And no, I am not speaking about the abysmal movie Eddie with Whoopi Goldberg. Ugh, that just sent shivers down my spine.

No, instead I speak about the abysmal movie career choice/choices that Eddie Murphy has chosen in this lifetime. What happened to our 'heh heh heh' guy? Oh right, Beverly Hills Cop 3 happened. Thanks a ton, John Landis.

I speak of the good old days, the all or nothing days. The days when Eddie Murphy was both racy and funny as fuck. Funny as fuck is funnier than funny as hell. Trust me, the devil told me once. He never lies.

Eddie Murphy used to be funny. Not in the 'PG, boy there's some fart jokes and crazy hijinks' type of funny. It was more along the lines of, "R rated, fuck all that shit man. I'm a funny fucker." type of funny.

Where to begin? I guess I should begin where he hit his stride, his comedic repertoire was given a chance to shine and he could gain notoriety as the one guy who would say and do the things nobody else would. Of course, like my last 'I'm missing someone' article about Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy was also showcased very well on Saturday Night Live. You'd think it was some sort of breeding ground for top movie talent.*

But while he was on, the only real talents on the show were Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo (sorry Gilbert Gottfried) and we all remember who made Dead Heat. I don't have to go into detail as to why Eddie Murphy's run on SNL was a brilliant cross between intelligent humor and in your face comedy about race. I'll just mention Gumby, Buckwheat, undercover as a white man, Mr. Robinson and his Stevie Wonder impression. Even when he messed up during a segment, he just rolled with it, yelling at the crowd.

While still on the show, he knew his time had come and he jumped right into film making his feature film debut in 48 Hours with everyone's favorite mugshot, Nick Nolte. A fun action comedy (which was to become a staple of Murphy's), it was a smash hit and because of a Nolte illness, Murphy became the only cast member to host SNL while still a cast member. For some reason, I remember this, and I was only 2 years old. I'm lucky if I remember what I ate yesterday.

He then did Trading Places with future 'I Miss' cast member Dan Akroyd. A fun Prince and the Pauper redux, it was a bigger hit than his first film and he was looking like a mint to Paramount. We'll skip Best Defense for the simple fact that it shouldn't be mentioned ever again. Instead he made a small stand up comedy film called Delirious that made a bit of a splash. It made the makers of red leather suits millions and offended many people worldwide. Not his best stand up though...

But then he went right into filmdom's premier tailpipe stuffing cop movie, Beverly Hills Cop. Axel Foley became a phenomenon and is one of his films I can still just throw in my DVD player and have a blast, no matter what my mood is. Plus it had some great music and the always under-appreciated Judge Reinhold.

He went a different route next and went with the supernatural comedy The Golden Child. Not one of my faves, but a decent comedy that still did tremendous business. He was on a role that Hollywood doesn't see as often anymore** He then had a double whammy with Beverly Hills Cop II and one of my favorite stand up comedy films of all time, Raw. Just the name shows how much it's going to offend and make you laugh. Stand up comedy movies don't have that event status anymore in theaters. I can't remember a time now that a comedian by himself could open his own stand up movie to make money. The only ones that do any business now are films with 3 to 4 different comedians, so you get a good 30 minute set with each of them.

Then came the duo we hadn't been waiting for but was surprisingly not too bad of Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy in the film Coming to America. A fun film that still did a hell of a lot of business, but then his next film was the first bump in his career. Harlem Nights, the drama he co-wrote (with Charlie Murphy!), starred, directed, produced, was best boy and did craft services for came out. A vanity project through and through, all I can say is that I don't like that film whatsoever. Boring is usually another word I associate with that film. I remember being a kid and my dad letting me rent a film at our neighborhood video store and I saw the cover. Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor... with old time clothes? Was this some sort of gangster comedy?

No. It wasn't. That was a dollar I could never get back again.

His next 5 films were all a bit of mis-step for him. Two were sequels to movies that shouldn't have been made (Another 48 Hours and the already mentioned Beverly Hills Cop III), a political comedy (The Distinguished Gentleman), one was a decent comedy that all my friends loved at that time (Boomerang) and one was one of the worst pieces of crap in horror history, directed by one of the great horror storytellers (Vampire in Brooklyn and Wes Craven... respectively).

Then came the Klumps. Everyone laughed in the theater, even I did. I can't help but laugh at people in fat suits (well, not always Mr. Lawrence). It revitalized his ailing career. Or did it? It made a ton*** of money and showed the public still liked Eddie Murphy. But what version of Eddie was this? This wasn't the R-rated, f bomb spewing Murphy of years past. This was a PG-13, crude fart humor Eddie Murphy. And after the laughter, I didn't like where this was headed.

He must not have either, because he jumped into the underrated and under performing R-rated action/comedy Metro. It starred a triple threat in the likes of Murphy, Michael Rappaport and Donal Logue. But even that couldn't get audiences into the seats. Then he voiced Mushu in the 'Wait, that was a Disney cartoon?' Mulan. Then came another one of his crappy remakes, this time taking the timeless Rex Harrison classic Doctor Dolittle and just trouncing on the good memory of it.

Then came a double whammy that he wouldn't soon forget. One was the infamous arrest of picking up a transvestite prostitute and claiming he was just trying to give 'her' a ride to safety. I love that skit. Oh wait, it was real life and he spent a night in jail. And then the second of whammys came when he released Holy Man. Wow, now that was a stinker. And it wasted the fine Jeff Goldblum too.

To this day, I still say that even though he had already had two profitable children films under his belt, the arrest and public backlash that was waiting to happen coaxed him into shedding his once bright star and bringing out the new and children improved Eddie Murphy. But first he had to do the film Life with Martin Lawrence to see if this was true. And the film did halfway decent box office, but nowhere near the good old days of R-rated comedies. And then the last film that I liked him in (and another starring the once great Steve Martin) was Bowfinger.

Easy sequel with the more lewd The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps. I was forced to see that turd in theaters. I don't know how I was convinced, but I know a relationship ended because of it. And then he did the terribly unfunny claymation PJ's. I still wonder how that lasted 2 seasons. There really wasn't anything on UPN, was there?

Now I'll say a little something about Shrek. I really liked the film. I thought it was Dreamworks showing that they could compete with Pixar. Thanks for showing I was wrong with the two Shrek sequels. And it's funny, I thought number 2 was bad, but The Third, I didn't know they could stoop so low. It took them 8 years to make another fun animated film.****

I won't delve into the pile of shit he brought upon us after the first Donkey infused film. I'll just mention them by name. Dr. Dolittle 2, Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care and Disney trying to show they could strike gold again with a movie based on a ride, The Haunted Mansion.

A glimmer of hope came about with Dreamgirls. I was surprised to see him acting again and not just phoning it in. I was relieved to see him getting some buzz for awards. Then he acted like an ass and left the Oscars when he didn't win. Didn't he know that you need to play nice to be nominated again in a few years. But we all know that won't happen with films like Norbit or the newly released and bombing worse than Mike Myers racist/ little person bashing extravaganza, Meet Dave.

What happened to the old Eddie Murphy? The one that liked to 'party all the time' and 'boogie in the butt'? The guy who could make a nation laugh. Now he makes the lowest common denominator laugh. The people we tend to loathe when going to a movie theater now. The bottom feeders. And the only thing worse than a bottom feeder is one that feeds them. And that's what Mr. Murphy's become. Harsh? Yes, but he needs a wakeup call.

Will he come back to us? With slight promises of a new stand up special, it tempts me to think that maybe, just maybe there's hope still out there. But then going for a number IV sequel like most other stars of yesteryear with the much loved Brett Ratner (I keed, I keed, I hate him too), it proves to me that the almighty dollar never lies.

Eddie, we'll always have your classics.


*Take that Denny Dillon!

**Well, Will Smith and divorce are the only sure things in Hollywood now.

***Sorry, fat joke.

****Kung Fu Panda, for those not paying attention.

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Steve Martin and why I miss the guy

No people, Steve Martin hasn't died. On the contrary, it's just that his career had taken such a dip in quality that he's been passing on this plane of existence as a spirit that was once funny.

Why do I say that? For starters, I've been watching the first three seasons of Saturday Night Live nonstop as of late, and when you watch him perform, the asshole witty charm oozes out of him. You look at this man, wondering if he's always had white hair (I haven't seen a picture that hasn't).

You watch his classic stand up act and while bizarre and extremely dirty, you can't help but be charmed by Mr. Martin. His records were best sellers, King Tut (on the album Wild and Crazy Guys) being a huge hit the radio. A million seller for that album alone.

An Emmy and 2 time Grammy winner and Oscar nominated individual (his short film The Absent Minded Waiter was nominated for best short film, live action in 1977), his first film was the abysmal but hysterical (but not sure if intended) live action film of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. He's the one singing Maxwell's Silver Hammer. But then success came when he helped write and starred in the classic comedy The Jerk, a Carl Reiner directed picture. I remember watching that film and just laughing my ass off at a young age that I didn't understand half the jokes. One of his films that I like a lot but was a failure in theaters was Pennies From Heaven. At this time in his life, he didn't want to be typecast as that 'crazy comedy guy' so he was always trying to evolve, to make people laugh and to make them think. And sometimes try his hand at something off-kilter.

After this was his most fruitful time, doing a series of films that changed my childhood forever. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, The Man With Two Brains, All of Me (all three directed by Carl Reiner), Three Amigos, Little Shop of Horrors, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Roxanne and one of my favorites, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (which was made into a halfway decent musical comedy).

Hell, I even like Father of the Bride. My girlfriend is a huge fan of that and it's sequel, but he had that cute sensibility, just trying to get his life together on the screen which made audiences love him.

I still have a special place in my heart for both LA Story and My Blue Heaven. And then he had a great duo of serious roles that spanned a whopping 6 years. Grand Canyon and The Spanish Prisoner. Netflix both of those films if you want to see Martin in roles you never thought he had in him.

And then the downfall started. With the horrible remake of The Out of Towners co-starring everyone's favorite skeleton Goldie Hawn. Ugh, I saw that in theaters with friends and was the only one not laughing. Suffice to say, I don't talk to those people anymore. Then he did a film that when the trailers were out, made my skin crawl like you wouldn't believe. Bringing Down the House was a horrible mess, with bad racist undertones and one of the worst comedic turns by Eugene Levy (and yes, this was before he whored out to all those American Pie movies or made that movie The Man, now there was a steaming pile). It starred rapper, turned entrepreneur, turned drunk driver turned 'is she a lesbian?', turned acting thespian Queen Latifah. And then the triple whammy of Cheaper by the Dozen, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. I'm not sure if and what kinds of drugs he was on at this time, but I know Spencer Tracy wouldn't make a sequel to a classic family movie that he made.

He kind of bounced back with Shopgirl. Based on his own novella, it was a very simple movie, and I enjoyed it a bit. He also just came out with a fantastic memoir called Born Standing Up. It's a funny read, a intimate look inside his personal life.

So what can become of the great Steve Martin. Will he ever get away from movies such as The Pink Panther (well, probably not, considering the sequel comes out in January. Right now, Peter Sellers did a pratfall in his grave)? I hope so. Hosting Saturday Night Live a record 14 times can make someone very comfortable (I'll admit, I haven't watched much of SNL for the last 8 years. But I did catch his last episode back in 2006).

I'll end this on a quote, which I hope reflects why I still hold out hope for the purveyor of Steve Martin's Penis Cream.

"I think there's nothing better for a person to come up and do the same thing over and over for two weeks. This is what I enjoy, so I'm going to do the same thing over and over and over....I'm going to do the same joke over and over in the same show, it'll be like a new thing."

Ahh, always a comedy pioneer.

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Random thought about Dana Carvey

Did anyone else ever find him that funny? I mean, fine, I'll give people Garth from Wayne's World. I'll even give you Wayne's World 2. Hell, some of his stuff from Saturday Night Live wasn't too bad. I preferred Phil Hartman, but I can't have my cake and eat it too.

But what's this with the resurfacing of Dana Carvey? He was at the MTV Movie Awards, a prestigious event if there ever was one, doing a little sad banter with Mike Myers in their Wayne and Garth garb. And now I see, via Myspace's annoying ads that he has a HBO special coming this Saturday the 14th.*

Did I go back in time when people gave a damn about Mr. Carvey? I'm rubbing my eyes to see if I've been dreaming, but no I haven't. A guy who hasn't been funny in about 15 years is back.

And yes, I did watch The Dana Carvey Show, which was more funny for his supporting cast (such as Steve Carrel and Stephen Colbert).

So does this mean a new Wayne's World movie will be made? Maybe a Clean Slate 2: Electric Bugaloo will be next. Then ultimately a new Master of Disguise film. I can't wait because I'll probably be there with a spork in my hand, ready to poke my eyes out.

*A terrible, terrible movie too.

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